there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
