Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
