We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
