I'm so fucking centered right now
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
zippers are such a cool invention
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
40s are totally the cure
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
