there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
