New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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