Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
