when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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