but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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