herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
