she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
