all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
