its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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