Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
