This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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