There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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