i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
