The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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