She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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