sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
zippers are such a cool invention
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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