tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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