I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
