He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
