apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
