I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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