soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
