Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
