oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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