If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
