Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
