My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish you could order shots online.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
