he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
