There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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