oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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