I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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