I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
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the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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