He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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