My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
