She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize