Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
