my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
