it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
