i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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