I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
