does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
