the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
