We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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