OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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