I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
