I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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