Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Randomize
