If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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