Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This house was built for laser tag.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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