yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
