Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
