Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
