Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
