Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
